Navigating Divorce When You Still Live Together

Looking back at the final six months I spent living with my ex, I honestly wonder how I survived. Talk about awkward. I don’t mean to make light of it -  it was incredibly stressful, overwhelming, and heavy.. Even when a divorce is amicable or mutual, sharing a roof with the person you are actively untangling your life from is uncomfortable at best. It was a strange time - I was in limbo, caught between the past and my future. But, I made it through, and I came out the other side with my sanity and myself intact.

If you find yourself stuck in this difficult phase, maybe you can find something here, in my suggestions for how I managed my energy, guarded my peace, and kept moving forward: 

These are the things that I did to manage myself and my energy during this time period:

Imagine the future: What will you be doing with your time 6 months from now? What will your new, peaceful home look like? This kind of daydreaming is not a waste of time. It gives you hope about what’s possible. It reminds you that this current “sucky” phase is temporary. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Take action: When you’re feeling depressed, hopeless, or completely overwhelmed—which is standard territory for divorce - procrastination easily sets in. But those packing boxes won’t fill themselves, that new bank account won’t magically open, and the house won’t get ready for listings on its own.  My advice? Make a list and start checking things off one by one, to build momentum. something off.  For my sisters with anxiety or ADHD, I know that just starting can feel impossible. Break tasks down into ridiculously tiny steps, use a timer for 15 minutes, or ask a trusted friend to help you. 

Take time to grieve: Healing doesn’t have a standard timeline. If you feel the tears coming, let them out. Personally, my grieving process started several years before I ever uttered the words, "I've talked to a divorce attorney." Everyone's timeline is different; if you aren't ready to process the grief until you're safely in your own space later on, that is completely okay, too. 

Be civil: During those six months, the word that kept me grounded was professional. Our relationship was transitioning from marriage to roommates. We stuck to logistics: home sale prep and our high school daughter's schedule. I actively tried to keep my tone respectful, neutral, and to the point, and he did the same. 

Did bad feelings brew? Absolutely. Did we have hard conversations where the civility slipped? Yes. But keeping the day-to-day tone civil was an insurance policy for the future especially if you have kids. Choose to be the bigger person now, even if he doesn’t deserve it. You’ll thank yourself later. 

Get your own sleeping space: If it is at all possible, get separate bedrooms. I was lucky enough to have a spare bedroom that had become a storage room and I bought myself a bed.  My ex didn’t mind that I was using our money to buy it.  Like I said, he was civil too. Before the bed arrived, I crashed in my college son’s room. Even though I still shared the master bedroom and bathroom, having a door I could shut at night gave me physical and emotional peace.

If a spare room isn't an option, look at the couch, consider bunking with one of your kids temporarily, or look into staying with a close friend. Getting your own apartment early is great if it fits the budget, but if it hurts your long-term financial ability to buy a house later (as it would have for me), claim a corner of the current house and make it strictly yours. 

Ground your children with stability and consistency: I want to emphasize this because it matters so much: your kids are transitioning to a new life right along with you. Their world feels shakey, and because kids crave stability and predictability, it’s up to us to show them what isn’t changing, such as your unconditional love.

What routines and traditions can you protect and honor? Can you keep up the regular daily schedule, family dinners or bedtime situations?  In my house, both my ex and I continued showing up at our daughter's performances, ate joint meals when schedules allowed, and event spent Christmas together after filing. None of this was joyful, but I wanted to show my kids that their parents could be respectful, even as the family structure evolved.

I hope you have found something here that will help you during this difficult transition. Remember, you don't have to do this all alone.  If you want more support and guidance, that's exactly what I'm here for.

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