Divorce, Decoded: The Three Stages

Women often ask me what the divorce process is really like. And here’s the honest answer: there is no “one right way” to do it. There’s no set timeline. No checklist. No magic formula.

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a simple recipe card for divorce?

What I do know is this: while every story is different, most people move through three overlapping stages:

1. Thinking about divorce
   
   
2. Navigating the middle of it
   
   
3. Figuring out who you are after the divorce is final

FIRST STAGE: Thinking About Leaving

This is often the longest - and most painful - stage.

It’s the season of “Should I stay or should I go?”

You’re unhappy. You may not feel respected, valued, or loved. Your husband may have habits, addictions, or behaviors that range from annoying to deeply destructive. You’ve grown apart, and the distance keeps growing.

You’re torn between your vows, your children, and your own well-being. And then there are the practical questions: money, housing, co-parenting, logistics. It’s overwhelming.

During this time, I leaned heavily on a coach, a therapist, and trusted friends. Looking back, my marriage decision was basically all I talked about. That support was priceless, and I’ll always be grateful for it.

Even after I decided I needed to leave - for myself and my teenage/young adult kids - I struggled for more than a year. I went back and forth constantly. Deep down, I knew there was too much damage to repair. That this partner was not a match. Even if I was willing to do the work, I didn’t trust that my ex was.

We talked openly. No one was blindsided. I gave him time to make changes and witnessed some progress. I also saw signs of denial and ill-placed hope that were frustrating and sad.

Looking back, I see that I focused mostly on what he needed to change. I didn’t look as closely at my own role in our unhappiness. I wish I had. I don’t think it would have saved the marriage, but it would have helped me grow sooner while not putting all the blame on him.

In most marriages, it takes two to lose trust and connection (with some important exceptions). So if you think your marriage might still be salvageable, take an honest look in the mirror. Ask yourself how you’re contributing to the dynamic. It might make a difference. Try my “stay or go decision” tool to help clarify things.

SECOND STAGE: The Messy Middle

In this stage, you’ve made a decision.

Either you’re actively working on the marriage, or you’re moving toward divorce.

If you’re staying, I hope you and your spouse are having honest conversations and getting real support - ideally through marriage and individual therapy.

If you’re leaving, welcome to what I call the “messy middle.”

This stage is full of hard conversations, (lots of) paperwork, emotions, and uncomfortable moments - with your soon-to-be-ex, your kids, your family, and your friends. It’s exhausting.

And yet…for me, there was also relief.

Not deciding was torture. Uncertainty is one of the hardest things to live with. Once I committed to a path, I could finally breathe.

I hired a lawyer, and it was go time. Having someone guide me through the legal process was invaluable. There are so many steps, and I truly don’t know how people do it alone.

My ex chose not to hire a lawyer, and in our case, that worked. I was completely transparent. We negotiated fairly and stayed out of court. He didn’t want the divorce, but he handled himself with integrity. Because of that, we were able to keep things amicable—even though it was still painful and sad.

I also worked with a financial planner, looked at housing, and got my finances in order. This stage involves a ton of practical work: splitting assets, figuring out where you’ll live, creating a co-parenting plan, and rebuilding your financial life.

On top of the emotional load, it’s a lot.

THIRD STAGE: Life After Divorce

This is the stage many people think they’re preparing for from day one.

The divorce is final. You’re likely living separately. You may be back in the workforce or in a new job. You’re managing your home, your kids, your schedule, and your life - on your own.

Now comes the work of figuring out who you are, in all of your new roles.

This stage was relatively smooth for me, and I share that without comparison to others’ experiences. Everyone’s journey is different, and every reaction is valid.

For me, I had been unhappy for a long time. I’d given my ex years to change. By the time it was over, I was ready.

I had some savings. I bought a home in my dream neighborhood (luck definitely played a role). My kids were doing okay. I focused on home projects and a new job I had taken - one my ex had discouraged me from because it paid less.

I had already learned independence while married (ironically, this is partly why the marriage struggled), and I kept building on that.

I leaned on friends. I learned to enjoy my own company. And most of all, I felt calm.

No walking on eggshells.

No constant tension.

Just peace.

Eventually, I started dating - but that’s a story for another post.

Why I Created My Group Coaching Program

Throughout all three stages, I worked with therapists and a divorce coach. That support mattered.

What I didn’t have was a consistent community of women who truly understood what I was going through.

I had amazing friends. A few divorced friends were especially helpful. But I wished I’d had a space designed specifically for women navigating this season.

That’s why I created my group coaching experience.

It’s for women at any stage of divorce - thinking about it, in the middle of it, or rebuilding afterward.

Our signature program kicks off on Tuesday, April 14.

Each month includes:

• Three live Zoom coaching workshops (Tuesday evenings, 7–8:30 pm CT)
  
  
• Two open “office hours” for questions, support, and real-time coaching
  
  

In the workshops, you’ll have space to share, reflect, listen, and learn - without judgment.

And if you want ongoing support, you can stay in the group as long as you need or do 1:1 coaching with me.

You don’t have to do this alone. Join us.